Never Alone Read online

  “Come in,” I called from my place in front of my latest canvas. I'd been painting since I got home, my thoughts carefully focused on pigments and brushstrokes. The painting was more abstract than usual, really just a splash of colors.

  Michael slid into the room. “So,” he said expectantly.

  I looked up from the painting. “So?”

  “You said you wanted to talk to me tonight.”

  It took a few seconds to remember the incident from earlier that day. It seemed like a millennium had passed since then. It somehow seemed much less important now.

  “Oh, that.”

  Michael raised an eyebrow. “I've been waiting for my lecture all night, and now all I get is an `oh that'? You were pretty pissed this afternoon.”

  I shrugged. “A lot's happened since then,” I said simply. Then, as an afterthought, added, “But stay out of my car.”

  He stood there for a few beats while I started painting again. “So that's it?” he asked after a while.

  “Yep,” I replied.

  “You're not going to tell Mom and Dad?”

  “Nope.”

  He stood there a minute longer. “Hey Jay, is everything okay?” he asked suddenly.

  I stopped painting and looked up at him. He almost never called me Jay anymore; it was his nickname for me when we were kids. “Why?” I asked guardedly.

  “You said a lot happened today, and you're definitely not yourself. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.”

  “Okay. Well, uh, if you change your mind, you know where I am,” he said awkwardly. He shuffled his feet, then turned to leave.

  “Hey Mikey,” I called. He stopped and faced me. “Thanks, but I'm just not ready to talk. Okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. It's cool. And I'll stay out of your car, I promise.”

  I gave him a weak smile and watched as he slipped out of the room, shutting the door behind himself with a soft click. I turned back to the canvas, but found I was no longer in the mood to paint. I cleaned my brushes, visited the bathroom for my evening ablutions, and then pulled my clothes off before collapsing into bed. I must have been more emotionally exhausted than I'd suspected because I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

  It wasn't until the next morning when I went to church and sat in the pew listening to the pastor's sermon about the growing threat of homosexuality that everything suddenly swirled back into the forefront of my thoughts. While the pastor stood at the front of the sanctuary intoning the evils of being gay, I was thinking about the fact that just the day before I'd learned that my grandfather (who I hadn't even known existed) was gay, and so was my aunt-not to mention Skye. And what about me? I asked myself. I can't deny that I'm attracted to Skye. Am I gay? I wondered.

  Suddenly, I remembered something Fletcher had said, “Not every gay person is two-spirited, but all two-spirited people are bisexual or gay with bisexual leanings.” I knew Lily was convinced I was two-spirited and there was no way I could deny the two visions I'd had. In both instances, I'd seen something happen before it actually happened. I'd been able to avert two potential tragedies. Could it be possible that I was a two-spirit?

  If so, according to Fletcher, I had to be at least bisexual. That would explain my attraction to both girls and Skye. Several things clicked into place at once as a sense of certainty settled over me-and with it a sense of peace like I'd never known. I'm gay and I'm two-spirited. It was easier to accept than I had thought.

  Just then, the preacher's words penetrated my thoughts. “Homosexuality is an abomination before the Lord!” he was shouting, his voice quivering with righteous indignation. “And yet, Hollywood is parading that lifestyle before us as if it was completely normal. Every week, they force their filth into our homes on television and in movies. It's time we stood up and made a stand against the immorality before our children are seduced by their lies.”

  My stomach lurched at the vitriol in his words. Not for the first time, I wondered why some people feel so compelled to force their beliefs on others and how anyone could be so threatened by love in any form. I was tired of the hypocrisy. How could someone who professed to worship a god of love be so full of hate? The longer I sat there the sicker I felt. I had to get out. I would stand up, alright, but not in the way the pastor expected.

  I stood and began making my way past my family towards the aisle. I'd sat in the center of the pew, so it was quite a production with my brothers and sisters looking startled and my mother glaring daggers at me. I finally made it to the aisle and walked out the back door of the sanctuary and out of the church. I knew I'd be in a lot of trouble later, but at the moment, I just didn't care. I had to get out of there.

  I took several deep breaths of fresh air and waited for my stomach to settle. As usual, we'd all driven in one vehicle so I was stuck until church let out. Either that or I could start walking. I opted for walking. I set off down the road without a clear destination in mind. It was too far to walk home, but it didn't matter. More than anything, I just needed to be moving.

  I don't know how long I walked aimlessly down the street before an unfamiliar car pulled over onto the shoulder in front of me. I stopped and stared warily at the black Jetta. The door opened and out stepped Skye. I couldn't help laughing; apparently God has more of a sense of humor than most of his followers credit him with.

  A confused look passed over Skye's attractive features. “What's so funny?” he asked.

  “Never mind,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was on my way to a friend's house when I thought I saw you walking on the side of the road. So I turned around to see if it was you, and if you needed a ride or something.”

  I smiled at him. “That would be great. Thanks.”

  “No problem,” he said and gestured towards the car. I went around to the passenger side and climbed in. Dance music thumped from the speakers as Skye slid behind the wheel.

  “So where were you headed?” he asked after he'd turned down the volume a bit on the stereo.

  “I don't know. I was just walking-nowhere in particular.”

  “You always go for walks dressed like that?”

  I looked down at my navy dress pants and button-up light blue oxford shirt and laughed again. “I walked out of church.”

  He gave me a curious look.

  “It's a long story,” I said with a grin. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this happy. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

  “You seem really happy about something,” he said with a smile of his own.

  “I am.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  I couldn't help but giggle. Everyone seemed to be asking me that these days.

  “Not really.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You're a riddle wrapped in mystery, Jacy,” he said in an amused tone.

  “You don't know the half of it,” I said happily.

  “I'd like to,” he responded seriously.

  I glanced over at him with a nervous flutter in my stomach.

  “So where am I taking you?” he asked after a few moments of silence.

  “I don't know. Would you want to...hang out or something? Oh wait, you were on your way to your friend's, weren't you?”

  “That's not a big deal. We didn't have any real plans; I can just call her and tell her something's come up.”

  “You don't have to do that,” I protested half-heartedly.

  “I know I don't have to; I want to.” He picked up his cell phone and said, “Ebony.” He waited a few minutes until Ebony answered. “Hey girl,” he said. “Look, plans have changed. I'm not coming over now, but I'll call you later, okay?” He listened for a second then glanced over at me. “I picked up a hitchhiker and now we're going to the zoo.” He laughed at her response. “Later, gator,” he said teasingly and snapped the phone shut. Immediately, it began to ring with the familiar strains of Cyndi Lauper's “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
. He ignored the phone.

  “The zoo, huh?” I asked. I assumed he was talking about the Salisbury Zoo. It was a small zoo here on the Eastern Shore that had won awards as one of the best small zoos in the country. It was only about half an hour from us. I hadn't been there in years.

  “Do you mind?”

  “That's fine,” I said with a smile.

  We drove in silence, but he kept sneaking little looks in my direction. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What?” he echoed.

  “Why do you keep looking at me?”

  He laughed. “You mean besides the fact that you're really cute?”

  I felt myself blush. “I am not,” I mumbled.

  “You so totally are,” he chuckled. “But the main reason I keep looking at you is because you seem really different today. When I last saw you yesterday, you looked like you had just seen a ghost. Now, it's like you can't stop smiling.”

  “I feel different. I am different. A lot has changed since we talked yesterday.”

  “How can things change so much in one day?”

  I shrugged. “It's all in how you look at things. I know things now that I didn't know yesterday. I've accepted things that I was still fighting yesterday.”

  “Like what?” When I hesitated, he said, “I don't mean to be nosy, but you keep making these cryptic comments. I can't help but be curious.”

  I conceded his point with a nod. “I found out yesterday that I had a grandfather I never knew about,” I told him. It wasn't the whole story, but I hoped it would be enough to sate his curiosity.

  “Wow,” he breathed. “That's pretty intense. How come you didn't know about him?”

  “My mom never told me about him.”

  “So how did you find out?”

  “My aunt introduced us.”

  “Lily?”

  “Yeah.”

  He thought a moment and put two and two together. “Fletcher Snyder is your grandfather?”

  “Apparently.”

  “Wow. Well, he's a really cool guy, so if you're going to get an instant grandfather, you could have done worse.”

  He pulled into the parking lot of the zoo, and slid into a space. We got out and started walking through the zoo at a leisurely pace, stopping at the various enclosures to watch the animals. We lingered for a while over the otters and monkeys, enjoying their playfulness, and admired the sleek black jaguar. I felt myself relaxing more and more in Skye's company. His occasional casual touch electrified me, and I found myself wishing he would kiss me again. After we'd made our way through the zoo, he suggested we walk along the park trail. I quickly agreed-anything to extend my time with him and delay going home.

  We passed by the playground, leaving the sounds of children laughing and playing behind us. We came to a small bridge over a tributary of the river and stopped at its center. I leaned over the rail and watched the fish darting around just below the water's surface. I felt Skye slide his arms around my waist as his chin fit into my shoulder. Instinctively, I tensed and quickly looked around, but there were no other people in sight. I consciously relaxed into his embrace.

  “Something else has changed about you since yesterday,” he said softly.

  “What's that?” I answered, matching his intimate tone.

  “You would have freaked out if I did this yesterday.”

  I gently twisted around so that I was facing him, his arms still around me. “That was yesterday.”

  “What changed?” he asked as his lips drew closer to mine.

  “Everything,” I answered as I leaned in to complete the kiss.

  All good things must come to an end, and my idyllic afternoon with Skye was no exception. I knew I had to go home and face Mom eventually, and I'd put it off long enough.

  “I guess you should take me home,” I said to Skye as he pushed me on one of the swings at the far end of the park. After our kiss on the bridge, we spent the next hour getting to know each other. We walked while we told each other our life stories, and eventually we ended up at the swings. “I wish this afternoon didn't have to end,” I added with a sigh.

  “We'll see each other again,” Skye said. With a final push, he walked around to stand in front of the swing. “At least, I'd like to see you again, and I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to see me again.” He flashed that cocky grin that I found so endearing and held out his arms.

  I grinned back and jumped from the swing into his arms. “You know I want to see you again,” I said, suddenly serious. “I'll probably be grounded until I'm eighteen after today, though.”

  He frowned. “Just for walking out of church? Just say you felt sick or something.”

  “Then she'll want to know why I didn't wait for them and where I've been all afternoon.”

  “What're you going to tell her?”

  I shrugged. “I don't know yet. The truth maybe?”

  “Really?” He sounded surprised. “And what would that be?” he asked, pulling away so he could see my face.

  “That I was with my boyfriend,” I said with a smile.

  He didn't return my smile, instead pulling further away from me and dropping his arms from around my waist. “Jacy...”

  “I was just kidding,” I said quickly.

  “Jacy, I think you're really sweet and all, and I like being with you, but I'm not really looking for a boyfriend. I'm young. I want to enjoy life before I settle down with someone.”

  “I didn't ask you to marry me,” I replied. If my tone was a little sharper than I'd intended, it was because his words had stung. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend? So that meant I was just a plaything to him?

  “Look, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. Don't get all bent out of shape now. We had a good time, right?”

  I had to admit we had. I gave him a begrudged nod.

  “And maybe we'll have a good time together again. I really would like that. We just won't be boyfriends, you know?”

  His attitude was starting to grate on my nerves. “So what would we be, Skye? Acquaintances? Friends? Fuck buddies?”

  He blinked in surprise and shrugged uncomfortably. “Why do we have to be anything? Who needs labels?”

  I walked away from Skye towards the river, thinking feverishly. This isn't at all how I imagined it. Is this what gay life is like? Is this what my pastor was talking about when he referred to the gay lifestyle? No commitment? No real relationships? Maybe I'm just a stupid romantic, but I want more than that. I want a boyfriend. With that thought, I abruptly stopped walking. Did I really just think that? Is that what I want? A boyfriend? I knew it was. That knowledge hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I thought I had already accepted the fact that I was gay, or at least bisexual, but realizing how badly I wanted a boyfriend brought it all into sharp focus.

  I turned back to Skye, who was watching me warily from the exact spot where I'd left him. “Can you take me home now?” I asked.

  He nodded. We walked back through the park and the zoo to where we'd left his car, but the easy camaraderie from earlier was gone. We walked silently and with a distance between us that was more than just physical. Once in the car, I gave Skye directions to my house. After a few minutes of driving, he made an effort to explain himself.

  “I'm really sorry if you feel like I led you on or something. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.”

  “You didn't lead me on,” I said softly. “I led myself on. You never promised me anything. I was even warned to be careful around you, but I didn't listen.”

  He frowned at that. “Who warned you about me? And what did they say?”

  I waved his questions away. “That doesn't matter. The point is, that you're entitled to want what you want, but so am I-and I want more than what you're offering. I want a boyfriend. I want commitment and romance. I want to say I love you and hear it said back. I want to know that the guy I'm with cares about me as much as I care about him.”

  “You want guarantees
and there just aren't any in life.”

  “No, I don't want a guarantee. I just want a relationship that I can trust. Something like what you were proposing just wouldn't be satisfying for me.”

  “So what are you trying to say? That I'm a slut?”

  “What? No! I wasn't saying that at all. If that's what works for you, then great, I'm happy for you. I just don't think that it would work for me. We want different things. That's all I'm trying to say.”

  We fell into a heavy silence and I thought about the words that had been tumbling out of me. How long had these thoughts been germinating in my mind, waiting to unfold like one of those time-lapse nature documentaries? I hadn't even realized on a conscious level that I wanted those things before now. Or maybe I had, but I'd always thought of it terms of getting married to a woman someday.