Never Alone Read online

  I found myself with mixed emotions as we pulled into the dirt lane that led back to my house. Part of me was relieved this tension-filled ride was over, but a much bigger part of me dreaded the confrontation with my mother. The car stopped and I climbed out, turning back briefly to say, “Thanks.” He gave a curt nod, and I shut the door and watched him drive away.

  The back door flew open and Michael spilled out, staring after Skye's car, already hidden by a cloud of dust.

  “Dude, you are in so much trouble,” he said, confirming my worst suspicions. “Where have you been?”

  “I just needed to get away,” I said simply. I started towards the house, figuring I might as well get this over with now instead of putting it off any longer.

  “Who was that?” he asked.

  “A friend.”

  I walked past my little brother, ruffling his hair as I went. “It was nice knowing you,” I said as I opened the door.

  “Who was it, Michael?” Mom called from the living room.

  “It's me, Mom,” I called back.

  “Jacy!” Her voice was so harsh that I flinched. She rounded the corner into the kitchen with her jaw set and her eyes flashing. “Where have you been?” she demanded. “What were you thinking, just up and walking out of church! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me and the family? I had to lie to the pastor and tell him you weren't feeling well.”

  “I never asked you to lie to anyone, and besides, it wasn't a lie. I was feeling sick to my stomach and I had to get out of there.”

  “Don't get smart with me. Why didn't you wait outside, and where on earth have you been?”

  “I went for a walk, and a friend drove by and offered me a ride so we went to the zoo for a while.”

  “I can't believe you would do that without telling me. Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was?” I noticed Ariel, Gabriel, Raphael and Dina crowding around the door, all the better to hear me getting in trouble. I was sure Michael was still at the back door listening as well. It was a rare enough event that I could understand their interest. “We didn't know whether to wait for you or come home. We had no idea where you were. Who was this friend, anyway?”

  “I'm sorry if you were worried,” I said, doubting very seriously that she'd been all that worried. It was much more likely that she was just pissed. “My friend's name is Skye.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Skye Morgan?” she asked.

  I blinked in surprise. I hadn't expected her to know who he was. “Yeah.”

  “How do you know him? He doesn't even go to your school.”

  I quickly tried to think of a plausible lie. I couldn't very well tell her that I'd met him at the powwow while I was there with Aunt Lily to meet the grandfather she'd never told me about. At the thought of Fletcher, I began to get angry all over again, but I tried to suppress my resentment. Then I remembered the first time I'd seen Skye at Dairy Queen. “He came into Dairy Queen with someone I know from school,” I said.

  She eyed me suspiciously. I could tell she suspected there was more to the story. “How long have you been friends with him?”

  “Not long,” I said. “I don't really know him that well.”

  “Did you know he's a homosexual?”

  My mouth dropped open in shock. How did she know that? True, Skye didn't exactly hide the fact, but I didn't even know my mother knew who he was, let alone that he was gay. “How did you know that?” I gasped before I could stop myself.

  Her face grew red. “So you did know. I can't believe you would associate yourself with one of them.” She said “them” as if she was referring to a pile of animal dung in which she'd just stepped. I felt my own face growing red with stifled emotions. “Weren't you listening to the pastor this morning?” She stopped as she put two and two together. “Is that why you walked out?” Her expression was so horrified that I almost laughed, except there was nothing funny about this situation. I had to make a choice, and I had to make it quickly. Would I back down and insist that I'd walked out simply because I was feeling sick, or would I take a stand and admit that it was the pastor's words that had made me sick?

  While I was trying to decide what to do, Mom's expression became even more revolted-if that was possible-as a new thought occurred to her. “Oh God, Jacy! Please tell me you're not involved with that...that...pervert.”

  Suddenly, the events of the last few days boiled over and I lost it. “And what if I was?” I said in a deceptively calm voice. “Would you just write me out of your life and pretend I didn't exist? It wouldn't be the first time you've done that, would it?”

  She froze. “What are you talking about?” She searched my face in an attempt to read what I knew.

  “I know everything,” I told her, challenging her with my stare.

  “I don't know what you're talking about,” she bluffed, but her eyes gave her away.

  “Remember that school project you wouldn't help me with?”

  She shook her head, not to say that she didn't remember it, but that she didn't understand.

  “When you wouldn't help me, I went to Grandma Allen, but she wouldn't help me either. So then I went to Aunt Lily.”

  Mom's eyes grew wide. “She...she told you?”

  “Not at first. She wanted to be sure I was ready to know. Yesterday, she introduced me to my grandfather. You know the one. The one you've lied to us about all these years, the one I didn't even know existed.”

  “That man is not your grandfather,” she spat. “He lost the right to be called your grandfather the day he walked out on us. Lily had no right to tell you about any of this.” She was practically shaking with rage at this point. I took a step backwards just to be out of her reach. She'd never hit one of us kids before, but then, I'd never seen her this angry either. “How dare she!”

  “Don't be angry at Lily. She just told me the truth.”

  “That was my decision to make, not hers. You're my son. It was better you didn't know about that worthless excuse for a human being. What has she been telling you? She's probably filled your head full of lies, making him seem so noble and romantic.”

  “You're the one who's been filling my head full of lies,” I interrupted heatedly. “You lied about Grandpa Allen being my real grandfather.”

  “I was trying to protect you.”

  “From what? My true heritage?”

  “Heritage? I can tell you've been talking to Lily and him.” She couldn't even bring herself to say his name. “What exactly is your heritage, Jacy? A bunch of heathen savages? If they want to run around worshiping pagan gods, fine let them, but that's the past, not today. You're better than that. We know the truth today.”

  “You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass.” I'd crossed the line and I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth.

  “That's it,” she snapped, biting off each word. “You're grounded for six months. You're not to see Skye Morgan anymore. You're not to see Lily again. And you're certainly never going to see him again.”

  “They're my family; you can't stop me from seeing them.”

  “Oh yes I can.”

  “I'll go when I'm supposed to be at work.”

  “Then you've worked your last day. You can quit your job tomorrow.”

  “You can't control every second of my life.”

  “That's where you're wrong. As long as you live under my roof, you'll obey my rules.”

  “Fine, then maybe I won't live under your roof anymore.”

  “And where do you think you'll go?”

  “I can live with Aunt Lily or Fletcher.”

  She flinched at the mention of his name. “Maybe that's the best place for you,” she sneered, “with other queers.” My breath caught in my throat. I guess that answered the question of whether or not she knew Lily was a lesbian.

  “You know,” I said quietly, “for years I've felt so guilty about being attracted to guys that I blocked it out of my head completely. It wasn't that hard really since I was stil
l interested in girls, and I wasn't even all that interested in either gender. This weekend, though, it was like having a veil lifted from my eyes, and for the first time in my life I saw things clearly. I had an epiphany as I sat there in church this morning listening to the pastor preach hatred. It felt so wrong that it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't sit there and listen to it anymore. I had to get out. It's funny how you can't bear the lie once you've been introduced to the truth. Kind of like how I can barely stand to look at you now that I know you lied to me for so long. Oh, and just so you know, I wasn't involved with Skye. I was telling the truth when I said that I barely knew him. I had a great time with him today. I felt freer than I think I've ever felt before, but I don't know him well enough to even call him a friend. But I did kiss him today, and you know what? I'm not sorry.”

  The look of disgust on her face spoke volumes. “Get out,” she commanded in a strangled voice. “Get out and don't come back. You don't have a home here anymore.”

  I shrugged. “I don't think I ever had a home here.” I turned and started towards the door.

  I was half-way to the door when she called out, “The car belongs to your father and me. Wherever you're going, you're going there on foot.”

  I paused for second, then continued without looking back.

  I stepped outside to find a wide-eyed Michael waiting to pounce on me.

  “Are you really leaving?” he asked me.

  I nodded while I kept walking. He trotted along side me.

  “I can't believe you're leaving.” He sounded a little upset. “Do we really have a grandfather that Mom never told us about?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Are you really gay?”

  I stopped abruptly and looked squarely at Michael. “Listen Michael, this has been a really craptastic day so if you're just going to add more crap to the pile, I really don't need it. Okay?”

  “I wasn't going to add to it,” he said with a slight pout. “I don't care if you're gay. Is this what you wouldn't talk to me about last night?”

  “Partly,” I admitted.

  He frowned suddenly. “It's not right that Mom threw you out,” he said, sounding angry. “Whether or not she likes it that you're gay, you're still family.”

  I gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Mikey. It's nice to know someone feels that way.”

  “I don't want you to go, Jacy.”

  I shrugged. “I don't have much choice. I can't stay here.”

  “Where are you going to go? Are you really going to live with Aunt Lily? Who was the other person you mentioned?”

  “Fletcher is our grandfather, and I don't know where I'm going.”

  “How come we never knew about him if he's our grandfather? Why didn't Mom want us to know about him?”

  I sighed. “You'll have to ask Mom.”

  The back door opened and Mom yelled out, “Michael, get inside now!” The door slammed shut again.

  “Why can't you tell me?” he asked petulantly.

  “It's a long story and we don't have time,” I said. “Besides, it's not really my place to tell you.”

  “She'll never tell me. You know that.”

  “Then ask Aunt Violet. Or wait until you're old enough to drive and ask Aunt Lily. For that matter, just ask your grandfather himself.”

  He stared at me few seconds, then gave me a crooked smile. “I'm still gonna see you,” he said. “It's not like this is good-bye forever. I'll sneak around if I have to. Aunt Violet will bring me to see you.”

  I smiled back at him. He'd be okay, I was sure of that. Michael was a fighter. I ruffled his hair one more time and said, “You'd better get back inside before Mom flips and grounds you too.”

  I started backing away as he turned and started walking back towards the house, his head down, shoulders slumped. He looked like he was walking to his execution. Despite his encouraging words, I knew he was upset. I turned and started for the road but suddenly stopped and spun around.

  “Michael!” I called.

  He stopped and turned back. I glanced up at the house and motioned him closer. He loped across the ground between us until he was back at my side.

  “Use condoms,” I told him.

  His eyes flew open wide. “What?”

  “If you're going to keep screwing around with girls, use condoms or you'll either be a daddy by the time you're sixteen, you'll catch some nasty STD, or-even worse-get AIDS. I'm not ready to be an uncle, and I'm sure not ready to attend my little brother's funeral.”

  He gulped. “Where do I get condoms?”

  “The school nurse can give them to you. Just don't let Mom find them or you'll be living with me.” He nodded. “Don't ever mess up,” I stressed. “Now go, before Mom comes back out.”

  He turned away again, but I couldn't let him go just yet. “Mikey?” He stopped and turned around. “Take care of yourself, okay? And watch out for the others. You'll be the big brother now.”

  “Jeez, Jacy! It's not like you're dying. You're just moving to a different house. You would've gone to college next year anyway. I'll still see you.”

  I nodded and grinned. He was right. I was being melodramatic. “Yeah. Just...if you ever need anything, you come to me, okay?”

  He nodded seriously. He was about to say something else when the back door opened again. “Michael, if you're not inside in thirty seconds, you're grounded for a month,” Mom screamed.

  “Told you,” I said with a forced smile.

  “You'd better get going anyway,” he said sadly. “It looks like it could rain any second.” I glanced up at the sky to see that it had indeed darkened forebodingly.

  I gave him a little wave, which he returned, then we turned and walked away from each other-Michael back to the house I'd grown up in, where my old life had been; me towards something new and exciting and scary. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew I wouldn't find it here.

  * * *

  Michael was right. I'd barely made it to the end of the dirt drive before it started to sprinkle. By the time I was a half-mile down the road, the skies unloaded a torrential downpour. I was soaked to the bone in no time. When I finally reached the little combination gas station and general store that stood about a mile and a half from our house, I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

  I fished in my pockets for change, but I didn't have any. I would have to call collect. I picked up the phone, but there was no dial tone. What next? I asked myself wearily. I didn't have to wait long to find out. When I pulled on the door, I found it locked. I'd forgotten the small store wasn't open on Sundays. I slumped against the wall and fought back tears. We were five miles from the closest town, and this was the only store between here and there. There was no way I was going to knock on someone's door looking like this. One look at me and they'd be more inclined to call the police than help me.

  I was just about to give up and start walking again-five miles isn't that bad, I tried telling myself-when my parents' van pulled into the parking lot. I was immediately on guard, but as the window descended it was my dad's face peering out at me, a concerned expression on his usually impassive face. I was surprised to say the least. Dad was a constant presence in the house, but not a very influential one. He was just sort of there. He could usually be found in the family room, parked in front of the television, newspaper optional. He seemed content to let Mom run the house and make all the important decisions. I often wondered if he had always been that way or if Mom had just worn him down until he stopped caring.

  “Get in,” he said.

  “I'm not going back,” I said defiantly.

  “I'm not taking you back. She'd never let you in the door. I'll take you wherever you want to go. I'm not going to let you walk in this rain.”

  It only took me a few seconds to weigh my options. My choices were walk five miles in the rain or get a ride. No contest. I climbed into the front seat, dripping water everywhere. “I'm going to get the seat wet,” I said.

  “It'll
dry. Michael packed you some clothes. They're in the back with your school books.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Where to?”

  “I guess Aunt Lily's house,” I told him, avoiding eye contact.

  He noticed me shivering and turned the heat up, aiming the vents directly at me. We drove in awkward silence for several minutes before Dad cleared his throat. “She was only doing what she thought was best for you.”